i know what my weaknesses are

spring
Originally uploaded by clairevoyant paranoia.

every year spring comes again, teasing me with her promises of forgiveness. i think to myself, "this is it. this is the year i'll get this yard under control. i'll beat those white flies and aphids with the amazing power of the lady bug and the praying mantis. i can plant beautiful flowers, fragrant herbs, and juicy tomatoes. can i find room in the yard for a lemon tree? or maybe an apple tree! gardenias blooming everywhere would be delightful..... by gum, by golly, i can conquer this wasteland!"

i go out there with my pruners and the machete and i clear out as much as i can. i ambitiously head down to the garden center and make my choices - butterfly flowers and bright annuals tempt me. oh, the broccoli and cauliflower look so promising, and i can already taste the tomatoes. all this enthusiasm - so optimistic this year will be different. my desire for a light weight tiller is almost overwhelming.

but, every year is the same. i forget to water regularly. the plants get weak and leggy. the white flies and aphids move in. the lady bugs won't stay in the yard even though there is way more than enough food for them all. the garden center doesn't have any praying mantises, and doesn't expect any to come in. the first round of monarchs lay so many eggs on my few milkweeds that the baby caterpillars strip my plants in about four days, leaving the plants and the little unfulfilled butterflies-to-be to die. the overhang from the house dumps dirty rainwater runoff onto the ill-placed bed of vegetables and herbs, further weakening them. the flowers on the tomatoes and peppers won't fruit. the other vegetables wither and die.

no peppers, no broccoli, two pathetic tomatoes that go bad before i notice they were there. the seeds i plant don't grow. too much shade, not enough water, too many bad bugs.

but still, i rush in, sure this year will be different from all those others.

and, today, the cycle begins anew.