endings

everything ends eventually. knowing this, endings still makes me sad.

john paul and i have been renting our house for almost four and a half years. it is a house that i have struggled with (see the endless struggle to get it clean and tidy and the cyclical battle with the garden), but it is a house i have loved. it matched us well. it has enough space to accommodate all of our junk (ok- it's mostly mine) and still feel like we have room to be comfortable. it has a warm-and-cozy-home feeling (wendy especially appreciates the kitchen couch. every kitchen should have a couch so friends are comfortable while they keep you company in the kitchen; cooking and talking together, you can't beat that.) we love the fact that we can both work in the same room - in our sewing & computer room. the house has giant armoire trapped in the bedroom (somebody walled off the only door that it might have fit through) that is a perfect art cabinet. and the trampoline fits perfectly in the back yard.

alas, our very nice landlady has just declared bankruptcy. the only way she can keep her house is if she moves back into it - so, we get the boot. we have to move out by april 1st. i know that many of our friends move houses all the time; it's no big deal. but, this is the longest i have lived in any one house since my mom and i moved to england after my freshman year of high school. i used to thrill at the idea of a new house - new space, new possibilities. but now i feel settled. we have finally gotten this house to work for us. we've come up with good solutions to some of its initial problems. rationally i've always known that we don't own this house, but we've lived in it as though we do. i even had plans to paint all the rooms this spring. yes, i should know better than to attach so closely to things, but what can i say?

it is true that we have been talking about the possibility of moving out of houston soon. we've been thinking about austin, washington, dc, or nova scotia, among others. but we won't be ready to move by april. the out-of-houston route is contingent on my getting into an mls program. i have been steadfastly failing to complete my applications and take the stupid gre.

so now i feel this totally overwhelming pressure to get my act together. but even if i do, we won't know if i've been accepted into any given program before april 1st. so then should we sign a new lease? can we find a nice place we can afford with just a 6 month lease? what am i doing with my life? and why? loosing the house has sort of forced many issues i have been neglecting to think about.

so that's where i am. does anyone have any advice? (besides, "relax - it is just a house. it's not that important"?)

i know what my weaknesses are

spring
Originally uploaded by clairevoyant paranoia.

every year spring comes again, teasing me with her promises of forgiveness. i think to myself, "this is it. this is the year i'll get this yard under control. i'll beat those white flies and aphids with the amazing power of the lady bug and the praying mantis. i can plant beautiful flowers, fragrant herbs, and juicy tomatoes. can i find room in the yard for a lemon tree? or maybe an apple tree! gardenias blooming everywhere would be delightful..... by gum, by golly, i can conquer this wasteland!"

i go out there with my pruners and the machete and i clear out as much as i can. i ambitiously head down to the garden center and make my choices - butterfly flowers and bright annuals tempt me. oh, the broccoli and cauliflower look so promising, and i can already taste the tomatoes. all this enthusiasm - so optimistic this year will be different. my desire for a light weight tiller is almost overwhelming.

but, every year is the same. i forget to water regularly. the plants get weak and leggy. the white flies and aphids move in. the lady bugs won't stay in the yard even though there is way more than enough food for them all. the garden center doesn't have any praying mantises, and doesn't expect any to come in. the first round of monarchs lay so many eggs on my few milkweeds that the baby caterpillars strip my plants in about four days, leaving the plants and the little unfulfilled butterflies-to-be to die. the overhang from the house dumps dirty rainwater runoff onto the ill-placed bed of vegetables and herbs, further weakening them. the flowers on the tomatoes and peppers won't fruit. the other vegetables wither and die.

no peppers, no broccoli, two pathetic tomatoes that go bad before i notice they were there. the seeds i plant don't grow. too much shade, not enough water, too many bad bugs.

but still, i rush in, sure this year will be different from all those others.

and, today, the cycle begins anew.

trampoline

trampoline
Originally uploaded by clairevoyant paranoia.

the most wonderful kelly snook gave us her trampoline when she left town. it fits perfectly in our back yard and we love it!!

jumping on the trampoline is so much fun. i remember, as a child, spending hours jumping alone on my grandma's trampoline. i don't quite have that energy anymore, but i still love it. i was trying to jump at least 15 minutes every day (it is harder and more strenuous than it looks), but it has been cold and rainy most days of late. regardless, i think the trampoline and i have gotten our relationship off to a good start.